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Ride To Hell: Retribution
Jared plays one of the worst games ever. Synopsis Jared begins by talking about masochism, also known as why he willingly chose to play this game. Ride to Hell is going to be on everyone's worst games lists including his own. Jared then realized that odds are no one actually beat the game, and he says that this is for him. A commenter types that they beat the game, and Jared yells at them saying that they are lying! And it is indeed bad; in the first 45 seconds there is both a turret section and a quick time event. The main character's name is Jake Conway and he is greeted by the man who raised him, Mack, and his little brother Mikey. They hug for a little too long! Jared talks about the prologue. The motors are too loud to actually hear the conversation going on. Then there is another bike chase that, just like the first one with weird physics and bad controls. The bikers try to kill Jake by driving up to him and beginning a quick time event that allows Jake to take out enemies or, use a telekinetic punch and wave kick before mind controlling the motorcycle to drive over one of the other guys and then explode. Jake and Mikey are suddenly surrounded by the biker gang in a awkwardly quiet cutscene. Silent cutscenes happen more than once! Jared continues telling the story. The game has on foot action sections and and/or talking to people and in between each one is riding a bike. The bike riding just wastes time and is just padding to make the game last longer. They aren't fun to play either. The controls are stiff and the physics are all over the place. It isn't interesting because you mainly go in a straight line, occasionally murdering people. Everywhere is under construction! Anyway, Jake drives to ... somewhere and beats up some guy for information on one of the gang members that killed Mikey. Jared discusses the fighing mechanics - a quarter-assed version of the Batman Arkham games. This includes a light attack, a heavy attack, a block, and a counter. Like the driving, the combat is very stiff and doesn't flow. However, if you use just the heavy attack you will kick people so often that they cant fight back and you win! Jared shows a fight with a man harassing some lady, where he repeatedly used the boot on the guy until he died, leading into a sex scene between Jake and the lady. What?! Jared says that this is the most deplorable piece of this game because women are used as trophies. They are both fully clothed! The next bike chase, according to the skyline, lasts 16 hours. Anvil runs into a brewery and Jake charms his way in by being sexist and then having sex with a female mechanic working on a truck. Jared becomes worried as the story gets worse! They never actually gave the women mechanic a name so Jared nicknames her Mechanic Lady. Mechanic lady says that her ex-husband has the key to the building, so Jake goes to his house, beats him up, and then has the before mentioned sex. She is in a jumpsuit! She's more dressed than the last lady! There aren't even sound effects - just stereotypical porn music! Apparently the sex was super good because afterwards Jake glitched out and he pretends to fly a kite for several minutes! Inside the brewery are five full levels of shooting people. The aiming makes it impossible to be precise, even when aiming down the sights. You have to fire down the sights because firing from the hip is worthless. There is no indicator where you are aiming, so running and gunning isn't really an option. Jake has to move his whole body to move around. None of this game is fun! Anvil runs away into a chase/ turret sequence, and when he is caught he doesn't give up very much information which makes Jake angry. Jake races some guy for...reasons and ends up in a fight club. Jared says that this section is actually very well done and forces you to use all sorts of different tactics strategies (sarcasm. really, really obvious sarcasm). Jared uses a masterful tactic (spamming "the boot") to defeat his foes. Jared sarcastically talks up each opponent. Finally, Meathook, the reason Jake went to this bar in the first place, appears and fights Jake. Jared once again defeats him by spamming the boot as he gets cheered on by 7 identical women in the audience. Jake then has to deliver some drugs while fighting some cops who are hilariously poor at their job. After killing some dudes in a bar, another woman has sex with Jake on the pool table! The bartender gives Jake the location of the Devil's Hand Member Colt. Jake is blocked by an electric fence, and his way of getting out is to steal an oil tanker, drive it fifteen miles down the road, park it in font of the city dam, and blow it up! He could have driven through the fence, or climbed a tree to get over the fence! Colt runs to an airplane graveyard and Jake is forced to fight a bunch of dudes. They all bring their fists to a gun fight! There is no reason to fight anyone. Just back up until you shoot them to death! The game claims that all the enemies are dead - and Jared thinks it is lying. Colt eventually faces Jake and Jake kills him. Jake then shoots his way through a clubhouse to get his next lead. All the ladies on the clubhouse decide to throw him an orgy. In between missions you have a sort of home base where you sell drugs and purchase upgrades. The upgrade menu's controls don't make any sense! Jake starts killing his way up the Devil's Hand ranks. He fights a chainsaw-wielding Triple-Six with a crowbar even though he has a gun on his back. He finds a member named King Dick. In between all this is bike battles, headshots, and banging one more girl in a dirty alley way, and more lovely (sarcasm) voice acting. And then Mack gets murdered. Jared discusses Mikey's girlfriend Ellie being kidnapped and the final showdown. The story is not important. Jake murders some more people and then Jake and Ellie go on a bike chase to kill Caesar with quick time events and the game ends. EXPLOSIONS! Everything in the game is in-cohesive and terrible. Everything sucks; the fighting is stupidly broken, the shooting is stiff and too difficult to use and the driving sections lack any kind of player engagement. Jared says how, being honest, there are worse games out there. There are games that are buggier, that are less polished and some games that are just less playable. BUT - this game is something those games aren't; it's offensive. The game play, the voice acting, and some of the worst sex scenes in history make this game much worse than those other games. Nobody should play this. Ever. This game will go down in history as the worst game of the last generation. Ride to Hell joins the ranks of bad games like Bubsy 3D, Superman 64, Hydlide, and Drake of the 99 Dragons. Even the cops in this game want out! Category:ProReview Category:Videos